Girls and Football

Personally, I dislike the game of football. This of course exempts instances when Nigeria is playing and here my interest stems from patriotism rather than for any love of the so called 'joga bonita.' Now, I can not say why boys like football. Indoctrination, brain washing, the inability to appreciate sports more complex than this one, who can tell? With girls however, there are subtler motives for their apparent football infatuation. Now I'm sure there might be some girls who genuinely like football (I doubt it) but so far the ones I've met fall into these three categories.

1. The Keep Uppers
For this type of girl, football was an out of bounds thing for her. She was continually shut up by Uncles and brothers and fathers whenever she showed interest in the inane sport because it was a 'man's thing'. In fact, anything male, be it man, dog, or slug was a better authority on football than her. All this of course enraged her curiosity and turned it into a burning competitive interest. She would know the game better than the stupid boys, she would show them and so she turned into that strange and rare thing : a female football hooligan. We sometimes mistakes girls in this category for genuine supporters but no, they were angered into their support. Almost a form of girl power you might say? So next time you see that drunken girl roaring Arsenal's theme song with her boys, slap her a high five ok.

2. The Boring Babes
I know you will not believe me but it's true. I've met many girls who only started watching football so it would give them something to talk about with guys. I don't approve but I understand. You're a girl and you hit about 14. All the other girls are wearing make-up, push-up bras, mini skirts, and you're doing exactly the same. You need something to stand out. You try good conversation. It fails you. You're not very good at expressing yourself, you can barely stay on the phone with him for half an hour. And if you can't talk to him until late in the night then how are you going to use bedroom voice? And without bedroom voice, omo nothing for you o. So what do you do? You turn to football and suddenly you can talk to him till 3 am in the morning. Problem solved and you don't even have to do much of the talking. With football, the usually uncommunicative other half open up in a way that is almost obscene. Now all your friends are jealous. You are the first person to use the bedroom voice all of you have been practising. I don't approve but I understand sha.

3. The Triple FB (Football For Fine Boy)
I must confess I belong to this class. The mild interest I developped in my early teen years for this game, was because of Thierry Henry. Yes I am one of those shallow people. I don't look at the ball, I look at the legs kicking them. Yes, I appreciate his face more than his fancy tricks. But I am unapologetic. If you've seen Henry you will understand. All I can say for this group is at least we're honest. All the girls in the other sections always pretend they are genuine supporters. They deceive themeselves. Us we know that when Beckham scores a goal with a header, we are sad and it's not because we support the other team. It's because he's putting his face in danger. He should leave that to others in the League. They certainly don't have to worry about their looks. I can mention some but I won't. It's christmas.

So ladies and gentlemen these are my thought on girls and football. You nko? What's your opinion?

Chibs. 2.30am on a Tuesday. Don't ask why.